Missed beats, Slipped keys, Poetic Eyesight

Waiting to start classes and submerge myself in the minds of others, such as my professors. One will be looking closely at my writing capabilities. I anxiously await meeting new people and being occupied. The best way to forge a great illusion. Illusions denote beauty, for such a thing is possible. illusions of grandeur, illusions of greatness, illusions of love, and illusions of being a part of something greater. Erases the feelings of loneliness that man are so often plagued with. They are Everywhere, and when I write it, it then becomes real. In existing. So I anxiously await these illusions, in hopes of making them real.

the one who offers hugs, and hauls ass, prank call enemies, tell you it will be ok, motivate, look up the things that you need, check up on you, realizes that your selflessness is the only way you will be ok, when no one is there for you.

Oh so something is gonna happen to me? And you will just stand in the shadows and laugh.

5 drafts here say. You either love and work or you hate and you disappear. Being that the inverse of love is fear. We remain far too fearful. And it rears its head on top of love. In victory. I now rack my mind for answers for him. Not us.

Heading to my grandmere’s funeral. The woman I was named after, she has been dead for two decades. Yet, the smell of death is fresh in the air and in our hearts. We are walking in mud, dresses remain billowy and pristine. Our tears lightened my the sole source of light. The moon. My grandpere walks ahead and I only see his back or profile and he is bleeding indifference. My sister is there awaiting me. We had just fought but she accpets me with open arms and we hug  to release and to recieve the pains we each hold. I cry for her, I cry for us all. For the loss of the woman, we would longer be able to call. This is followed by being surrounded by  people from my junior high in a burger spot. Still we are surrounded by nothingness, mud and moonlight. My ex best friend Kaisha comes to tell me “Oh, I thought you were gay” and in front of my sister I respond “I am bi”. My sister merely shakes her head. Kaisha says “word? my bestie is gonna be backing it up on shorties on the wall” I roll my eyes, instantky arriving in the clinic next door but not before saying “I would be the one on the wall”  I see Toegena on the hospital bed and Dani (whom Kaisha told me would be there) along with a younger version of the boy who has broken my heart my falling to substance. He is now maybe 10 years old here. He seems happy, normal and healthy. Stark contrast to how I saw him last. It is clear to me Dani has been taking care of him and she is responsible for his content.  As I approach and begin to ask Dani about his state of being, he notices me. Very close by a heart monitor begins to signify heart palpitations. It is his. It begins to race. and I stop in understanding. It is me. I realize that him seing me and me being near by will cause him to regress into the 25 year old drug addict. All progress would be lost. Because of me. I consider that it has always been me. I caused him to fall so low, and I failed to pick him up.

Beyond broken. He didnt need her yet the woman I love tells him that she will always be there for him. When I needed her the most, she tells me how I am wrong. the toxicity.  Well, I said I was on the road of moving on. Except now, I have much more to fix

A dream where the man who had caused me the greatest anguish told me he was leaving. Although there remains no attachment, we had a child together. And I loved him deeply. He was moving to L.A. and in the dream i in memory shifted to the last dream where i found him in a warehouse loft. Living out his life.  Breaking it out his back with numerous woman. I begin to tear and I hold it back but right before he walks to leave and pack and i begin to cry and tell him it is more than me and my feelings but our son’s  He responds that he knows, without a doubt and enters into the bday party being held for me and picked up our child and holds him. I can not forget this how this beautiful man held up this beautiful boy and the boy never questions who this man is. he simply puts his head oh his chest. and lays comfortably.  but the boy is smart, he lets go with no illusion and with no real attachment. The man who has caused me much anguish then leaves with a sage of a man who whispers truths in his ears continuously. I then return to my bday party which has turned into something grand. many people from high school, my mom, my secondary mom, my lover.. and in that night i call his cell to hear the beauty of a poem he leaves for everyone but mostly himself. his mother is now lost to him in a place he can never retrieve her. forever. the next day, the day of the planned bday party, i go to him and this is it. his bags are packed. he says “my little genuis, you have always been so practical. we have never fought for the years that we have known each othe” i respond “no, not once” he continues “but there was a time you were rough with me and i loved it” i nodded my head. he indeed was a true sado. we kiss passionately and he leaves. i go back to my lover, who is helping me prepare for the party. but then it begins to rain. it begins to pour